Re-post: The unsuspecting art thief

A reminder from 2 years ago of my failed art thievery.

For those who’ve joined me in the past two years, you might like this.

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Hampstead High Street on a Saturday, tables all occupied outside the Coffee Cup, a huge queue for crepes. Parts of the Heath were closed, as were the bathing ponds, because of the high winds, but the posh folk were out nonetheless.

I had walked up to pick up a t-shirt from American Vintage, dragged along by my beagle, Ralph, his nose seeking out dropped crepes or discarded ends of croissants.

As I wandered back towards home, out of the corner of my eye, I saw a large canvas leant against the old telephone box, a couple of black bin bags piled next to it. The painting was facing me, and I could see a riot of incredible neon pinks, blues, oranges, a tableau of long-stemmed flowers reaching towards a darkened sky. My colours! Flowers! But why was it sat at the roadside, discarded?

I looked around, seeing nobody near it, I looked more closely at it, then picked it up.

Hampstead is known for the rather eclectic residents throwing away their Bo Concept sofas, butler sinks, and, as we had stumbled across previously, paintings, so this wasn’t too strange.

The wind was really picking up now, and Ralph’s lead fastened round my waist, he pulled me along, the painting stuck under one arm, paper carrier bags in the other hand. When he stopped to do a poo, the logistics of my load became tricky, but I never leave a log behind.

When I got home, I took a few photos of my find, excitedly WhatsApping my friend to show her, then started moving furniture to get it straight onto the wall. I already knew where it would go.

As I hung it up, I was trying to get it level, and noticed on the side of the canvas was a signature. Jon Astrop 2017 and a smiley face.

I found Jon Astrop online. OMG he’s a really big deal. Patrons included Melvin Bragg, Roman Abramovich, Noel Fielding, Annie Lennox! He is on the Saatchi Art website. Some of his paintings are listed at four grand.

This is when my heart started pounding, it was all I could hear, I felt sick.

I’ve stolen a fucking piece of art. I’ll be on CCTV hoisting it under my arm and wandering off with the beagle. Oh my fucking God. What do I do? How the fuck was it lying on the kerb? Wait - was someone putting it into their car, from the gallery and I knicked it?

I started to panic. What do I do? Sneak back up there and leave it where I found it? Tell no-one? Too fucking late, I’d posted photos of it on all my socials, the caption “it isn’t every day you find a painting in the street and it’s 100% your aesthetic”. I deleted the posts. All of them. Oh fuck.

I messaged my friend, back and forth we went, me debating what to do, then I saw his phone number on his website. Shit. Will he scream at me? Will he send the police? I couldn’t not call.

He answered after three rings. I stammered “this is going to sound really weird, but I found a painting in the street, and I think it’s yours.” We chatted for a few minutes, and he still doesn’t know how it came to be where I found it. He had been exhibiting last weekend, and assumed he had left it beside his car, but that was on the opposite side of the street, and it didn’t look to me as if it had been rained on, and this week the weather has outdone itself.

He was amused by the story, and I think he probably thought I was a bit unhinged and took pity on me, but he very kindly offered to sell me it for half price as it was such an incredible story, and I love it so much. By this point, it was already hanging on my wall.

So, this is how I became an unsuspecting art thief. I’d never pull off an Ocean’s Eleven heist, but it’s a great story.

Thank you so much to Jon Astrop for being so understanding and generous. Check out his artwork on his site and on his instagram.

I’m off to have a valium and a lie down.